Love

So after my post earlier today, I talked with Ryan on the phone and realized that no matter what, I always have Love. It comes in many forms, colors, sounds, and textures. I'm surrounded by it 24 hours a day, I just have to stop feeling sorry for myself, take a deep breath and chill. Realize whats most important to me, and check my work baggage at the door.
So I'm in our home, such as it is, and I'm waiting for Ryan to come back. I miss him and I can't sleep without him next to me. But I'm ok. I'm going to work tomorow and he'll be home by lunch. Everything will fall back into place and I'll have someone at work that I can trust. I think I can handle anything that happens on this island with him by my side.
See, check that out. Just thinking about him and how much he means to me, has made me feel a thousand times better. Now I can breathe and just get over it all. Inner peace for now. And love. :-)

I just don't get it!

The people I work with are such jerks. Not all of them, but most of them. And I just don't understand why it has to be this way. I've been back at work for 2 days, and for 2 days I've come home angry and depressed. I tried to just get over it, but you know what? I dread what new crap I'm going to have to endure tomorrow, and that just makes getting over it impossible. And most of the crap stems from just one evil, hateful, two-faced woman. She's a grown up for goodness sake! Why does she have to act like a snake all day long?? I just don't get it!
I've actually made a list of all the crap I've been told by other people. This is all of the stuff she's been saying about me to my co-worker while I was on vacation:
1. I'm a terrible cook.
2. I'm a bitch.
3. I yell and scream and go-off on people.
4. All I ever do is smoke and talk to Ryan.
5. I'm jealous and hateful.
6. I'm a slut.
7. I'm a terrible employee.

See what I have to put up with? And the whole time she's talking shit about me, she's being oh so friendly and polite to my face. Grow up!!
I don't hate people. Its just not in my nature, but every time I'm standing there and she's talking to me with that fake smile on her face, I can't even hear what she's saying because in my head all I hear is my own voice saying, "Holy crap I absolutely HATE this woman!"

I tried like hell all day long to get over it. But when I have 3 different people all coming to me and telling me all this crap, I just get eat up about it and have no idea what to do. There basically is nothing I can do. There is no cure. There is no rescue available. I can't quit. I can't complain to anyone about it. And I can't make it stop. I'm so miserable and I just want that nasty woman to disappear.

Nothing uplifting today. Will try harder tomorrow.

Resolutions and Change

Here I am, almost 30. 30!! Are you kidding me? I don't feel 30, but then again, what does 30 feel like. 30. If I say it enough, maybe I'll get used to it, but its just one of those words that if you say it over and over enough times, it really doesn't make any sense anymore. It just sounds foreign and strange. I think that's how I feel about age in general. Its a number people, get over it!
So I'm dating a guy who is 21. Get over it! I love him to death and he makes me Soo happy! He makes age completely unimportant. Its just a number, right? People call me Cougar, and its funny right? It really bugged me for the longest time, but you know what? I got over it!

My new resolution: Just get over it already!

I think its a good one. And its one that I can keep.

So, resolution. Check. Change, well that one is a little harder. I'm so stubborn and am very resistant to change. But I'm feeling so gross about about myself, inside and out lately. I can work on changing the outside. I just have to actually do it and not give up and go eat some really yummy bread pudding, which is whats for dessert tonight and I really really want some!! Ok so change is really hard. Ah ha! This is where resolution comes in to save the day. So there's Bread Pudding for dessert, and its delicious and warm and yummy....So what? Just get over it already!! That kind of works. I just have to repeat it to myself over and over.
As for the inside, I'm full of stress and anger and resentment. Its all focused on my job. I hate this place. But I need this job, so it can't be changed. My emotions though, now that can be changed. I just have to let it go and just...get over it. :-)